Bye 2018, 2019 goals

WHAT A YEAR!

Alhamdulillah, feeling grateful and relieved.
It was a lil bit late to achieve as i thought ill be able to pull it off in 2017 but its okay laaaaaaa
I still manage to score big points in life this year. FINALLLLY U DID IT IRAH
I was more stable financially, i managed to save some savings and i managed to bought myself a car.
I GUESS I SHOULD BUY IT EARLIER BUT  i am that type who waited and waited until i think i can. It always the neccessity over what i want (except my makeup) which i always bought  😂

Ahhhhh Yay! My very first car. It is a red myvi. And i waited sooo long for it.  I thought i was able to drive it by the end of the school week but things got stucked because of the stock problems amd bla bla bla....
fast forward to November 24th, I finally got the car. Got it one day after school holiday started.. my feelings? Urghh but whatever I HAVE YOU NOW. And i named it ......

*drum rolls*

IVY MATILDA hahahahahaha
Its IVY for short kekek

On the other hand, my husband got us a house at Meru Ipoh and im loving it sooo much. I am super excited spending my holiday with him in our house. I was so happy that after all our pillow talks of buying a house and living together.. we did it! Finally we did it and we did it with our precious one inside my tummy😀😭 the one we longed for and waited for. Mak was right “sabar manis buahnya”
I always have this paranoia of not having my own kids but the moment i found out I was able to conceive nothing else came out in my mind rather than i was sooo thankful that i can get pregnant. Hehh we tried our best almost two years, and i did read some couples even tried harder than us. But God is great. He gave you what you want what you need.. at the right time and i think this is the right time for us. I didnt want to tell anyone at first because I didnt want to offend anyone who waited their turn, just like us. I told my mak first and i called jiji asap. That moment is total failed. Jiji was still in his sleep mode, completely mamai. And i .. being so paloi directly said that i might be pregnant.

    

       
My first positive test...

I did another two a day late cause i wanna confirm it hehehe



Hahaha that was 5 months ago.. Alhamdulillah, first trimester went well. No extreme muntah muntah, and morning sickness happened but it was hard for my back. The back pain is real as i travel a lot. I got tired quickly and i want to sleep more during daytime. I also stayed a lot in Sarikei as I did had spotting at the earlier weeks of pregnancy. I was afraid but the doctors comforted me saying that some women might have that symptom during the earlier stage. But they suggested me to rest more and travel less. So i have to say bye bye Kuching for weeks..

My first scan when i had spotting.I was so scared and paleeee

 

 

 Luckily Tamint came to comfort me..

Other than that, it was a normal discomfort for pregnant women and yeah i was high on sugar so i bought the sugar monitor machine  to monitor my sugar intake haha. Sadly, i also need to say bye to my everyday morning coffee routine  😭 i read it is not good for baby. Hmm i pray that this pregnancy will be going smoothly Aminn and i hope that my baby will grow healthy and smart.


Ouh ya. I also feel relieved that me and jiji becoming more stronger each day  as we argue less than a year before haha. Sometimes i admit it was me who are always emotionally unstable and always wanted more attention. #women 😂 i sometimes cant stand my woods life thats why hmmm

But seriously.. looking back, we survived that stage of fighting over everything and then it was a stage where we get used of each other perangai and all and then a stage where changes to a mature us cameee OMG and all the fb memories made me soo malu with the old me hahaha and we are now moving on to a stage where we accept each other flaws but still argue on silly things. Fuhhh but i cant think of anyone else who willing to face this journey together. Thank you sayang for everything. You are as hard as metal outside but sooo soft like my maternity pillow inside hahahah and i love you so much for whatever you did for us and I still geram for whatever things that upset me #womenneverforget #getmenewmakeup HAHAH

 

 Sayang you ♥️♥️❤️
 

 

#lagisayangiftemanIbelimekapslalu😘

Other things? Hmmm I am still  the most manja one in the family who misses her parents when I’m away from home, very attached to mak and abah and the one who always request good food from them haha. The older i get, the more family time i need and i feel safer with them besides me. For 2019, i really hope that i can get closer, live together with my husband as i really need him a lot lately. Being pregnant without husband and family closer is hard. I was lucky that i have great support from my friends but i still need my husband and family around me.

I guess i must be more patience then.
And i have my new goal this coming 2019.
My own house. And ill try my best tto achieve that goal 💪🏻💪🏻
I just need to work on my money management more, save more income and get more income.
I hope things will going great and better in 2019 insyallah.

You didn't know

I know I'm completely stress when I start blogging again. These days, I always had trouble sleeping,bad dreams, bad day and everything just sucks sometimes. I cried a lot, I prefer to be alone and I miss home too much when I'm away. I just want my comfort zone. I feel worthless, i feel so low. Your words broke my soul. I wanna get away but I can't. I just can't. I will never recover from this feeling. When will this stop?When will I get my sweet dream again.?I just wanna be happy, all over again. I want this pain to stop. I just want this to stop. Please stop

SHUTTING THE WORLD OUT

these days..i feel like a doll in a box

I sleep,eat and sit on my bed. (for hours)
I spent a lot of time in my room which becomes my comfort zone

I did spent few minutes to do house chores 

but I quickly went back to bed after that

watching youtube,movies,songs made me feel good but it didn't last longer

I really feel lazy to live,to function well
to be happy, to talk, to text, to mingle around
so malas. I don't even know what's wrong with me anymore

I have friends, I laugh at jokes but when I'm alone
I found myself crying my heart out,thinking about life,and I suddenly feel horrible
 I question everything that I had.

waking up in the morning is the hardest one as
 I wake up hating every inch of myself
fml

mood swings

stupid mood swings..
struggling with this problem and it is so depressing.

i guess this waiting time has taken its toll me
the more i wait, the more i feel bad especially to myself
i started to question myself more on past things


demmit

this is so exhausting

Life Updates

It's already December.

Good start for this month as my SPP interview went well.

November left me with dull routine (makan,tido,kuang-kuit #repeat) 

and also the last examination result, which is quite disappointing

but of course you should always be thankful because you LULUS

well now i'm officially out from the campus, officially waiting to be posted,insyaAllah and officially tamat pengajian! wiiiiiiyaaaaa. syukur Alhamdulillah. 

mixed feelings actually. you know, all the hard work,endurance,tears and sleepless nights.. even though you are not always thattt focus towards studies.. everything just feel "arhhh relief" 

it PAID OFF well. selayaknya. seiiring dengan takat usaha. 

but of course, i still feel afraid 

I woke up everyday thinking what if this.. what if that..

All these uncertainty in life are driving me crazy. 

I really hope i can get through this phase of life and feel so much better than what i feel right now.

because God surely is the best planner. May He always watch over me and my loved ones. 

p/s: i miss you so much 

stuffy

lonely, empty and silent night again. The reasons why i blog this.

I finally realised that i really have trouble sleeping at night.

I don't even remember when was the last time i had a good sleep.

It's either i'm too tired or on meds, and yeah i got my beauty sleep only at those times.

Holidays will be over in 4 days but I already feel so stuffy.  I'm now prefer to be alone at all times doing nothing other than scrolling my fb and ig updates. lifeless i am. Only went out for family events,my parents' reunion and sisters' outing(2-3 hours like that). too lazy to drive or looking for anything fun to do. too lazy to contact my friends (it's not that I hate trying to keep up with them,but i just don't like putting an effort into making them right now. Of course i miss my friends. But still, urgh i'm not fun anymore) too lazy to do anything that involves me in thinking. I really prefer to be alone now but  it still makes me feel stuffy because i did a lot of thinking!!

These days, all i did was thinking on surviving myself. On everything. Study life,social life, love life, work life urgh EVERYTHING. How i wish life will be easier. unfortunately....

this happened almost everyday

till next time blog. too lazy to type  xx

late night thoughts

Just watched Pilot Cafe tonite and i feel that it is such a breathtaking and heartwarming movie. I cried and came out from the hall with my red eyes and red nose hahaha. Despite the film controversy,i really think that the movie was able to convey a very good message of love; God's love and fam's love. I can relate myself to it too and that is the most hateful part haha cause i kenot stop crying the moment i gt the feeling ahhhhh kenot move on. Butttt the most important part is i learned a lot from the movie! I agree that it's true that no matter how great u feel the love from anyone or being loved, 'it' is belongs to Him. The feeling, the love that you received,the nikmat, the hardships and everything u have datang dengan izinnya. And i really love the way that movie mengangkat martabat seorang wanita and showed that men are supposed to be the men who can be the one who guide women to the right path,pelindung dan mengasihi seikhlasnya. of course people would say " itu semua dalam drama ja" but how nice it is if we can take the good ones as the inspiration to do good and be better. Yes,everybody in this world is a sinner. Humans made mistakes. But people changed,and people can always change. The memories will just stay.  i wish i can erase some, hmm. It breaks my heart again and again whenever everything im not proud of came across my mind. It scares me a lot how will I face dear Allah with all the cracks. I know I cant never erase it but now I'm so grateful that He always show me the way closer and closer to Him and I know,he's there with me in every battle I fought. I hope that Ill never loose faith,never stray away again and I pray that He will always surround me with good people. Im so grateful for this life now. Syukur Alhamdulillah.

i'll wait

Waiting.

I can wait. For me, you can take ure time as much as you want to. 

BUT please.. make sure you can make it up with acceptable excuses. Cause you know, waiting can be so painful and tiring sometimes.  It just break me down ( a lil bit) when it happens

p/s: this feeling is applied to any situation. Especially when i wait for my food when dining out. 😁 #makeitworthlikemyyummehfood

Battle Scars

"Battle Scars"

Hope the wound heals but it never does
That's cause you're at war with love
You're at war with love

These battle scars don't look like they're fading
Don't look like they're ever going away
They ain't never gonna change
These battle...
Never let a wound ruin me
But I feel like ruin's wooing me
Arrow holes, they never close from Cupid on a shooting spree
Feeling stupid cause I know it ain't no you and me
But when you're trying to beat the odds up
Been trying to keep your nods up
And you know that you should know
And let her go
But the fear of the unknown
Hold another lover strong
Sends you back into the zone
With no Tom Hanks to bring you home
A lover not a fighter
On the front line with a poem
Trying to write yourself a rifle
Maybe sharpen up a stone
To fight the tanks and drones of you being alone
I wish I never looked, I wish I never touched
I wish that I could stop loving you so much
Cause I'm the only one that's trying to keep us together
When all of the signs say that I should forget her
I wish you weren't the best, the best I ever had
I wish that the good outweighed the bad
Cause it'll never be over (never be over) until you tell me it's over

These battle scars don't look like they're fading
Don't look like they're ever going away
They ain't never gonna change
These battle scars don't look like they're fading
Don't look like they're ever going away
They ain't never gonna change
These battle...
You shouldn't have but you said it
(And I hope you never come back)
It shouldn't have happened but you let it
Now you're down on the ground screaming medic
The only thing that comes is the post-traumatic stresses
Shields, body armors and vests don't properly work
That's why you're in a locker full of hurt
The enemy within and all the fires from your friends
The best medicine's to probably just let it win


I wish I couldn't feel, I wish I couldn't love
I wish that I could stop cause it hurts so much
And I'm the only one that's trying to keep us together
When all of the signs say that I should forget her
I wish you weren't the best, the best I ever had
I wish that the good outweighed the bad
Cause it'll never be over, until you tell me it's over


Cause you set me on fire
I've never felt so alive, yeah

No, hoping wounds heal, but it never does
That's because you're at war with love

And I'm at the point of breaking
And it's impossible to shake it (yeah)

See, you hoped the wound heals, but it never does
That's cause you're at war with love
Hope it heals, but it never does
That's cause you're at war with love!

Stay

Idk how to describe this feeling

Im just so happy 

Happy to feel this again.

The feeling of so much love around me and being in love all over again

Stay.. please make this feeling stay longer.. i want it to stay longer.. 

one week

Lonely nights. So painful. 

Silent is my loudest scream i guess.

words

it hurts.

NOT FAIR

Happy

I wanna be completely happy again.

I miss that. I miss me. The happy me. 

wishes

Sometimes,all I'm thinking is to go far away and living by me myself. Away from problems,dilemma,choices and decisions. I wish I can live without thinking of others. Living by only caring bout myself because I cant please anyone. Sometimes,things are really hard that I wish "God please take me now. I can't do this,I can't never do that" but I'm still here. God still want me to be here. Learning, changing and waiting for the good in life. The thing is,  I had fallen many times that I'm now feeling so tired to get up and try again.

ANGAN

Ketika waktu mendatangkan cinta
Aku putuskan memilih dirimu
Setitik rasa itu menetes
Dan semakin parah

Bisa ku rasa getar jantungmu
Mencintaiku apa lagi aku
Jadikanlah diriku
Pilihan terakhir hatimu

Butterfly terbanglah tinggi
Setinggi anganku untuk meraihmu
Memeluk batinmu yang sempat kacau
Karna merindu

Butterfly fly away so high
As high as hopes I pray
To come and reach for you
Rescuing your soul
that precious messed up thoughts of me and you

Losing

Hopes and dreams are getting higher each day.
"Stop it, they said. Dont hope, ignore"
I tried to...but i cant.
why.. because sometimes it is the only way that keep me stronger and wiser.
Losing is better sometimes, but..
I dont want to lose this hopes and dreams.

Emotions

I dont know bout you, but i cry a lot to express my feelings. Im too sensitive over everything.happy or sad. Both can make me cry. I value everything to its limit nowadays,everything seems so special in a way that i feel i should appreciate this and that more, feeling bad everytime i dont do it. Even when emak asked me to cabut uban but i malas sbb nak tido plus no mood i rs ouh jahat gila aku. Terus terfikir cerita si tanggang. Eh takut. Sometimes i think i care about pepel too much dr diaorg sendiri care pasal diri.Sometimes i dont know what makes me too sad, i can just cry . Tiba2 pun ada. Just now i saw this baby yg jntung belubang baru2 lahir, i terus imagine how lah if its happening to me and my future baby. And... i cried. Im now thinking that i gt this cry hormone terlebih in my body.

love vs good looks

Good looks. The first thing in ure wishlist untuk lelaki dan perempuan idaman. But then will u actually love that person if they dont own a good heart? I annoy bila boys mengimpikan to get beautiful girls, body cantek bla bla bla but lepas dapat what happen? Sekadar bangga dapat these beautiful girls for u to show ure friends but not loving them with all ure heart. Tak buang masa u sendiri melayan keranah perempuan2 cantek tu. N then bila body diaorg berubah gemok lah cacat ka bekudis ka hati u pun senang2 lah berubah kan. Reason nya u just love their good looks 200 peratus dari yang lain. Sama jugak untuk perempuan yg nak perfect boy sgt. I honestly that type yg akan jugak tengok good looks but then when i slowly get to know someone special,i will fall with their personalities or anything good in them. Ada ja yg mcm tu jugak. I just fikir tak adil untuk type sebaleknya tadi. Because makin u tua pun benda tu fade away jugak. I kagum dengan bapak2 yang setia dgn mak mak yang dah tua,tak pandai begaya, saiz badan pun dah comel2, tak pandai mekap tapiii still sayang bini beribu lemen. Zaman sekarang banyak lah macam tadi, body berubah,hati pun berubah. Piki hati sendiri boleh, tapi jangan sampai menyakitkan hati org lain. How about ure spouse? Anak2 ka? Parents yg impikan anak2 hidup bahagia bekeluarga? Slalu baca ayat "tuhan tak bagi apa kita nak, dia bagi apa kita perlu" now i agree with this.

miss me

I wonder what will happen if i die young.. i mean like now. Will anybody miss me. Will anybody act care about it. Or will they just be like.. "okay,stop crying.life must goes on.." i wanna feel it again. For somebody to miss me real hard before i die because when i die i cant feel it again. Miss me will you??